Contradiction
Scott gave me a homework: Write down whatever I'm thinking and accept those thoughts. Only at our second meeting, he asked, "Roxanne, how could you put that big smile on your face when you described those sad feelings?" Gee, good question, Scott, I don't know! I'm totally contradictory: Me A constantly blame Me B for being too silly, while Me B always reminds Me A to be humbler. Alas, no wonder I'm in a mess all the time.Yesterday at Enormous Room, many people told me I was hot and foxy. ("Roxy is Foxy!") Well, of course I felt flattered to hear those words. However as C pointed out to me already, I just couldn't believe those. It's not that I'm not believing my friends, but I just don't see myself as good, even if Emily wanted me to join America's Next Top Model, ha. Oh gee, I know this is not going to get me anywhere, but it's just so hard for me to change my self image any soon.
Today I totally went back to Ground 0, feeling like hiding behind everything. I completely lost my courage again. Especially when I saw those pictures, I couldn't help but scream, outloud in my room. He's still so dxxn cute in my eye!!! Captivated was the word he used on me, but now it came all back -- I'm so captivated by his looks, his talks, his jokes, even when he speaks nonsense words all this time -- I like his nonsense, I like when he sings stupid raps with my name in the lines. Even that silly Justin Timberlake song reminds me of him, becuase that was the song when we danced. Sigh, I should have or could have been the queen according to Cowbay, but now I'm just a maid begging this whole bewildering stuff can be over, just because I'm too weak to fight now, even for myself.
Somebody kill me please
Somebody kill me please
I'm on my knee, pretty pretty please
Kill me
I want to die
Put a bullet in my head
I laughed so hard when I first heard this song from The Wedding Singer, but now I just want to sing it outloud. I hate interviews. I hate pretending I'm good. I hate the fact that every MBA needs to find a summer internship. I hate myself -- the over-obsessed-by-him self.
Honesty is the best policy, but I somehow feel my words on the blog this week have been way too honest. To the current me, perhaps writing out is the cure.
posted by littleroxy @ 10:23 PM
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